Shane's Blog

I got bad news today my aunt’s father died sometime this week. I really did not know him that well, but when was over his house he was very nice to me. I know he was not doing good for while now and I know it was just matter of time before it was going to happen.

On another note, one of my co-workers friend died yeterday. From what I heard he was young around 16 or years old. I tried help her and make her feel better, done really if help her or not. Apparently, her friend drowned some where.

I remember, when I was in school and someone died who was in one of my classes. Did not know that well, but remember he was not nice to me. The strange thing is we were making joke that he was dead and we found out couple days later that he died that weekend of drug overdose and drown in small pool of water. Some man found him while he was practicing golfing in a field. They had a story on the news about him for doing something called huffing. We seen that there was something wrong but he lie about it.

In one moment you are change no matter how small it is. At first you are not happy with what is said or done at that moment in time. So you go on with your life and try to not let the thing over come you, but you think about it and it stays with you and cause you to be cold with people around you. People around you think it something they say or have done. They might be right, but you tell the person it has nothing to do with them and they did not do anything wrong.  Later on you try to change the way you act to them, but you can not because of what happen. In time you might change, but you talk very little with them and act short with them.

You are never alone. I will always care for you and think of you. I will always love you. I always hope you have a good life, that you are happy and loved, but no matter what will happen, always remember that you are loved by me. We had a life together, and we have a bond for life. I want the best for you…if I could give it all to you I would.

Just never forget this….you are cared for and loved. And things will be ok.

I have to wonder if I was a fool for thinking I was different. From what I have seen I was not different, but a fool for thinking that. I was ask out by someone couple of times and I just said “OK” to the person, but not really meaning it. Finally, I ask the person to do something and the person said “yes” to me, so I tried to meet on two different times, but it never happen for some reason or another, I accepted it. Did that person just do really because they wanted to or was because of another reason? Was I used to as a pawn for another motive? I really do not know! I have just have wonder was I a fool in all of this? I know it would have never been more then it was. I keep going on with my life as nothing really is wrong, something I do very well or maybe I do not that well, I can never tell.  I am told I am “nice person” by people I know, but that is all I am to people that know me. (more…)

As I sit alone here at Washington Square Mall, I see lots of people with others, but for me, I am alone. There was a guy sitting next to me. He was talking to a family member about a trip he took last year and how much it cost. He had one business call and he called at least one company about a balance on an account he had. I see what type life I have..It’s lonely one that I do the same thing over and over everyday. When I came in I held open the door for this young lady..Something I would have done if would done for anyone. Later that same young lady sat by me when she ate her dinner. I think she when to same place I got food at. I see people walk by that look happy, but I really can not tell if they are or they are not happy. There is family sitting behind me and the baby is crying and screaming and her mother telling her no for some reason. I see the mall employees constantly working to keep the place clean for everyone. Back to young lady that was sitting by me, she was attractive Asian, maybe Filipino or Thai and from what I could tell she was not married and had bag from Northstrom in her hand that she carry in from the car. More people come and go, but I Sit Alone, not even getting phone call, but who is going to call me? Work? Ex-Wife? Friend? No-One!

People have stories to tell, but I have no story to tell because I have nothing interesting to say. Just like this my blog, who really reads it? From what I can see its Goolge Bot, BlogPulseLive, Baiduspider+, Q9 Networks Inc., Amazon, Inc., but are there any real people that look at other then Search Bot? I really do not know. I had one person I know tell me the looks at it.. I got 139 Vistors, 498 Pageviews, 1368 Spider for December so far, but is the vistors real or just automated computer programs logon and cataloguing my website?

I did have someone that I know come up to me and talking to me for brief moment. Which I like that, it made me be notice, which that does not happen very much. I am for the most part invisible to everyone. Even when in a room of people that I know I am still invisible to the people there.

I was cleaning things up around my little place I live in and I came across something stuff that my wife gave me a long time ago. One of the things was a web page she wrote for me ten years after me proposing to her. In this letter she was scared that know cared about her anymore and that i did not care about her anymore and that she cried thinking about that. The things is I forgot that I had that until I was looking though my stuff. In it she also ask me if remember were I proposed to her at and what i had with me. The thing is I do remember were I did it and what I had with me. Then I found a award for the “Best Husband” that she made for me about 3 months after we were married. I just look back on my marriage with her and wonder why I got that award because I do not think I was not good husband. Sometime, I was good husband to her and other times I was not, but with every marriage you have problems, but you should work things out no matter what happens.

This year we have been married for 12 years and for most people in my family that is longtime. As my marriage to her comes to an end, I have think back on what made me happy and what made me sad throughout the whole time. As think about it, I hope thing there was more happy things then anything else. Even though we had very hard almost 4 years apart, It was not the happiest time in my life because when you live with someone for so long, you grow to depend on that person to help you in you life.

How do you measure your life?

I was outside and it was silent all but one sheep in the yard and dog barking in the distance. I look out over the horizon and i see lights of different cities and houses and three radio antennas. The sky is very clear that you can see all the stars of heavens. The one that i can make out is the Big Dipper, there are some other ones that recognized, but do not know for sure.

Silent of the Night is peaceful…